


Ironman Sucks

by AnonymouslyDead



Series: Fun Times In Lego Gotham City [1]
Category: The LEGO Batman Movie
Genre: Avenger Bashing, Batman has an unhealthy lifestyle, Fluff with an Attempt at Angst, Gen, Ironman Bashing, Jealous Batman, Joker is creative with gifts, Kids don't be Batman, M/M, Worried Batfam, jk I love marvel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 14:11:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10024223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymouslyDead/pseuds/AnonymouslyDead
Summary: Joker wants to give Batman the best scheme ever. But when that scheme takes him outside of Gotham to fight other heroes, Batman takes it personally.





	

"Errrgh!"

"Hun? Are you okay?" Harley Quinn's head popped into view from over the back of Joker's chair. Said villain was slumped in his chair, scowling at nothing. 

"No." the clown sighed, sinking deeper into the chair. 

"You wanna talk about it?" Joker growled in response. "Come on, I'm a psychologist. You can talk to me. Hold on." A bit of rusting sounded from behind the chair and a blonde woman in a lab coat draped herself across the arm of the chair. She was posed with a notepad and pen, looking expectantly at Joker. 

"It's just...I can't think of anything new to get Batsy's attention. I think we've pulled about every scheme in the book!" Joker huffed. 

"So? We can just take a break. Get some creative juices flowing. Hit Gotham with a new master plan." Harley ran her hands through the grumpy clown's electric green hair. Joker visibly relaxed at the touch. 

"That's true, Girlbuddy...but what if he gets bored of us? Of me?" Joker groaned. 

"Boo Boo Bear, B-man told you he hates you right? Hate like you two's is unconditional." Harley said soothingly. She began twisting bits of green hair into braids. 

"I guess...but our recent plans have been...lacking in a way. Too impersonal. I want our schemes to be special." 

"Yes, the acid spitting flowers, teddy bear time bomb,and toothpaste filled chocolates really didn't get your romantic feelings for B-man across." Harley bit back a laugh as Joker jumped to glare at her. 

"I don't have romantic feelings for Batman!...Do I?" Harley raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh god, I do." Joker went limp in his chair. Harley swiped a bottle of black nail polish off the coffee table. Placing it in Joker's hand, Harley sat in front of him with her fingers splayed. Joker absentmindedly began to paint them. 

"It's just-I..." Joker started. 

"It's alright, hun." 

"No, it's not. What am I gonna do now? How am I gonna looking Batsy in the eye next time we fight?" Joker whined.

"Just tell him how you feel." Harley switched her hands as Joker finished painting. 

"Like you're one to talk." Joker scoffed. 

"At least, I'm on friendly terms with Red-" Harley stopped as she saw Joker deflate. Oops, time to backtrack. "Look, just think about it. You never know. B-man could be feeling the same way." Joker sat silent for a few minutes. Harley waited patiently, blowing on her pretty black nails. 

"Do you know if there's a bus to New York today?" Joker finally asked. 

"Wait? Why do you need to know that?" Joker jumped out of his chair, careful not to step on Harley. Harley watch him run out the warehouse. 

*******************

It wasn't easy but it paid off. Joker got off the bus and stood outside Stark Tower, a stick of dynamite in one hand and a canister of Joker gas in the other. Time to pay Tony Stark a little visit. 

**********************

"Did you see this, Batman?" Barbara shoved her phone into Batman's face. A video was paused on a still image of Ironman spiraling out of control with a purple and green blur on his back. Batman knocked the phone out of his face,causing it to on the hard tile floor. 

"I'll pay for that." Batman quickly said. 

"I don't care! Look, we need to figure out what the Joker's planning so we can stop him." 

"Why don't you ask Ironman to stop him?" Batman snapped. 

"What's wrong with you? You can't be this upset over the Joker fighting someone else!" Barbara said indignantly.

"That's not why I'm upset!" Batman shot back.

"So you admit that something is making you upset, I see." Alfred walked into the room, carrying a plate of lobster. 

"No! I'm Batman! The only emotion I feel is anger!" 

"Be that as you may, you haven't eaten since yesterday morning." Alfred reminded, shoving the plate into Batman's hands.

"So?"

"It's 7:00 pm, sir. You haven't eaten all day." 

"Psst...I don't need to eat. My jacked body can go for days without food." Batman turned his back to Alfred, setting the plate on a nearby table. 

"This isn't healthy!" Barbara protested. 

"I didn't want to have to do this, but Master Richard!" Alfred called. 

Dick quickly rushed down the stairs and to the three adults. The kid tried to look attentive but kept shooting worried looks to his father. 

"Master Richard, please be honest. Has your father's current behaviors been affecting you?" Alfred asked.

"Yes, sir. I'm really worried. Batdad didn't come to dinner and hasn't been patrolling. Why are you so upset padre?" Robin asked. Robin's huge, innocent eyes bore into his soul until he couldn't take it. 

"I just need some sleep." Batman lied. Dodging his friends, he headed up the weathered stairs of Wayne Manor to his room. 

"But that's what you did all day yesterday!" Alfred shouted. 

"Batman, let us help you!" Barbra added.

"Padre!" 

Batman closed himself into his room and collapsed onto the bed, groaning. Why did he feel so bad? 

It's all stupid Joker's fault. Joker trapped him in a "hateship" as Batman started to call it. They had spent 76 years chasing each other, giving each other a reason to carry on. Joker even called him his Greatest Enemy. 

Then, Joker started acting weird with his borderline romantic schemes that ended with flowers that spit a barely corrosive acid on his doorstep that may or may not have their own place in Batman's trophy room. It's not like Batman is attached to those items or the clown that gave them to him. Nope, Batman does do feelings. Those were simply trophies that Batman liked to sigh over dreamily. 

Now, Joker is off in New York fighting Ironman! What did Ironman have that Batman didn't have? They were both rich philanthropist playboys who used their vast amount of money to fight crime. 

Except that Batman was richer, smarter, and way more awesome than Ironman! Ironman sucked in comparison.

Then, why was Joker fighting other villains? Batman groaned louder into his pillow, feeling all the more miserable. 

**********************

Joker smiled, approaching the door to Wayne Manor with confidence in his every step. This had to be his best plan yet! He shifted the helmet from one hand to other. For something that Ironman wore on his head, it certainly was heavy. 

Joker put on his best smile and gave a swift knock at the door. He placed the helmet again the door and prepped to run like hell when the door opened faster than he expected. An old British guy glared at him. 

"Um...hi..uhh" Joker tried. 

"Alfred Pennyworth. Now, what do you want?" Geez, the old man had some bite.

"Could you...maybe getBatmanplease?" Joker finished quickly, losing his confidence under the man's glare. Man, this guy could give Bane a run for his money when it comes to intimidation.

"No, I'm afraid Master Batman is busy. Now, I'll show you off the island-" 

"Who's at the door Alfred?" A voice called. Down the stairs, his Greatest Enemy came in nothing but a red satin robe and his signature cowl. Joker could feel his pale face heat up under the makeup. 

"B-man, it's me!" Joker gave a little wave.

"J-joker!" Batman jumped, running back up the stairs. A second later, Batman was rushing down the stairs in his full suit. Joker couldn't decide which sight he liked better. 

Batman suddenly stopped at the foot of the stairs to give Joker a cold glare. "What I meant-what do you want?" Geez, was everyone in this house crabby today? 

"Joker!" A familiar voice growled. Out of nowhere, Barbara Gordon came barreling at him. She made to tackle him but was stopped by the butler. "What gives Alfred?" 

"I have an idea. I don't like the Joker as much as you do, but maybe Bruce can work out his issues if they talk out whatever is troubling him." Alfred whispered to her. 

"You've seen him right? Bruce never talks about feelings."Barbara deadpanned. 

"You'd be surprised how much Master Bruce has changed. He let you and Dick into his life after all." Alfred said with a smile

"Fine, but we all charge Joker if he tries anything." 

"Agreed." 

"If all that suspicious whispering is settled..." Joker shot a look at the two. "I've come to announce my master plan!" 

"Why don't you go announce it to Ironman?" Batman snapped. Joker gave him a questioning look. "Don't look at me like that. I know you've been fighting other heroes like Ironman." Batman's face twisted in absolute disgust at the mention of the other hero. 

A second of silence passed. Then, laughter rang out through Wayne Manor. Joker clutched his sides, struggling to control himself. 

"Yo-you think I'd WANT to fight anyone e-else?" Joker gasped, wiping tears from his eyes. "Someone's jealous." 

"I am not!" Batman protested. "But I do want to know what the heck you mean, clown. Why are you fighting other heroes?"

"I only fought Ironman for this." Joker picked up the helmet off the ground. Batman's eyes widened. It's not everyday your Greatest Enemy brings you the helmet of the man that you constantly berate to get in to your secret lair. Not to mention that it's full of flowers. 

"Why?" 

"Because I wanted to do something special for you. I know you better than anyone else. I know you scowl every time you see that Stark guy when you should be sending those scowls at me. I thought, "What would be better than to show you I'm a better person to hate? That I'm the only one worthy of getting your glares?". So, I came up with the idea to fight Ironman. And let me tell you, Ironman is so freaking lame to fight. He doesn't even fight his own fights. When I even mentioned explosives, he called all these "Avengers" to come beat me up. I barely made it out of there alive with this." 

Joker presented it to Batman. He took the helmet, not surprised to see a dripping red smile painted on the mouth seam or the black X's over the eyes. The inside was filled with flowers. These had black petals with vibrant yellow centers. There was also something under the flowers. After determining that the flowers probably wouldn't melt his skin, Batman reached in. 

He pulled out a red and yellow iconic insignia (but not as iconic as his own). Blue strands of fabric jutted out from insignia, like it had been ripped right off of Superman's chest. Batman's eyes started to water. 

"You fought Superman...for me?" Batman said, staring at the patch. Joker suddenly found his feet to be the most interesting thing in the room. 

"Metropolis was on the way back from New York, so.." Joker shrugged. Strong, muscular arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him into a hug. 

"Well, this is new." Joker commented, face flushing. Suddenly, too much of Batman's weight was against him, threatening to topple the two. "Bats, you can get off of me now." No answer. 

"Master Batman!" Alfred rushed to the unconscious hero's side to support him. 

"Batman! What did you do to him?" Barbara accused. 

"Nothing! I swear!" Joker shouted. 

"This would be the product of not eating all day, because a certain someone wasn't in town. " Alfred said with such spite that Joker flinched. A bad feeling wormed it's way into his guts. 

Alfred supported Batman's body to the stairs. He frowned at the height. Barbara and Joker rushed to support Batman, so they could carry him upstairs into a spacious bedroom. They carefully placed Batman on a bed large enough for five people to sleep in. 

"Padre!" A shriek came from the door. Dick ran into the room and stopped, looking worried and confused at the scene before giving Joker a glare. 

"Did you hurt my Batdad?" Robin said, trying to sound intimidating but failing. He actually looked adorable. Joker had to resist ruffling the kid's hair.

"No, I didn't do anything to Batman. Why does everyone think I caused this?" Everyone turned to glare at him. "Fair point." 

"Your father just hasn't been feeling well." Alfred supplied for him. "It has nothing to do with this green and purple monstrosity." 

"Hey! I'm right here!" 

"When will padre be better?" Dick asked. "Soon, I hope." Alfred sighed, shooting another glare at Joker. 

Boy did Joker mess up today. 

********************

"Batsy...Batsy..." Batman felt a sharp poke in his cheek. He groaned. He felt terrible. His arms and legs felt uncharacteristically weak, and there was a weight on his stomach. 

Batman opened his eyes, hissing against the sharp light that filled the room. A green and purple blob shocked him, causing him to throw a punch at the figure.

"Hey, watch it." Joker hissed quietly, barely dodging the punch. 

"Joker-" A finger pressed into his lips. Joker pointed at the other people in the room. Alfred sat asleep in a rocking chair across the room. Barbara laid half on the edge on the bed. One wrong move would find her waking up on the floor. Dick laid next to him, desperately clutching a part of his cape like he might disappear. 

"What happened?" Batman whispered. 

"You passed out on me, Bats. Apparently, you haven't been eating. A little dramatic for me leaving for a few days." Joker raised a bushy eyebrow at the man, who only stuttered in response. Joker took this time to produce a plate of lobster from the nightstand. Taking a fork from the plate, he broke off a piece and poised it for Batman to eat. 

"I can feed myself. Now, get off." 

"Apparently, you cannot, so I will not move until you eat all of this." Rolling his eyes, Batman opened his mouth to be fed. Joker shoved warm bites of lobster into his mouth. He hadn't realized how hungry he was until the plate was empty. 

True to his word, Joker climbed off of his stomach and started to walk away. A sharp tug on his coat tails almost tripped him. He sent a glare to the annoyed looking Batman in bed. 

"What are you doing?" Batman snapped quietly. 

"Leaving. When your butler and New Gordon wake up and see that you're alright, they're likely to throw me in Arkham Asylum with a good beating." Joker pulled his coat tails away and tried to leave again. This time, trembling arms spun him around to face the other. 

"You really shouldn't be moving much right-"

"Why would you fight my enemies for me?" Batman snapped. Joker blinked. 

"I...um...I" Joker stuttered. The right words wouldn't come out. 

Thankfully, he didn't have to say anything. It was Batman who made the first move, leaning in close. Joker mirrored the movement until their lips brushed. With no sigh of protest, Joker pressed his lips harder against Batman's. Much to his delight, Batman followed suit, not wanting to be outdone. 

Joker pressed many kisses to Batman's face like he was on a mission. When he was done, a bright red smears covered Batman's face and mask much to Joker's delight. 

Joker felt arms pull him down onto the bed. Batman moved himself so that Joker had room to lay but wouldn't smash Dick in the process. Once they were situated, Batman buried his face into his shoulder, further smearing the lipstick.

"I hate you." Batman said. His tone suggested the opposite. At least, that's what Joker thought. Batman's voice was muffled in his shoulder. 

"Hate you, too Batsy and only you." 

Joker wanted to leave then. He was sure to cause quite a ruckus when everyone work up, but Batman was warm. He soon found himself drifting off to sleep. 

********************

"Why is your face covered in red stuff?" was the first thing Batman heard when he woke up again. The space where the Joker had been was empty. Three people looked questioningly at him. Batman groaned, rolling over to avoid the looks. 

He really hated the Joker. 

**Author's Note:**

> Like this purple and green monstrosity? Leave your thoughts in the comments. Leave kudos if you liked it! Have a nice day. :)


End file.
